chunky tuesday.

so this is where it's at.

i'm feeling ugly. not just out but in. ugly in, ugly out, even though i'm wearing cute japanese knickers i bought yesterday as a present to myself. and a journal won't do. i need to get this ugly out into the whole wide cyberworld.

i am considering new blog. ugly-blog. where i can be ugly each day, anonymously, with a different email so no one will know it is me.

today i got my period. i actually thanked out loud. god, a pill, providence, i don't know what i thanked but i thanked it. i've read all the leaflets, i've guilted the looks from doctors and chemists and tipped my chin at their professional frowns, and i know that this small blood may not be enough. that maybe the thankyou was premature, that maybe, yet, my body is beyond my knowing. that miniscule chance that i am fucking around with another life by fucking around with my own; god, that scares me.

the ugliness of hunger. last week i might have drunk a river, this week i could eat the moon on a plate. my insides yawn cavernous each morning, waking me early, flushing the coins from my wallet when i most want to save. my thighs look older, plumper already, a varicose vein popped out this morning behind my knee and japanese knickers just can't distract you from your first sign of ageing.

see, this is ugly, this is me at my worst and why i want some anonymous corner to uglify in when i need. i read a blog this morning, the blog of someone i only just know; his words made me angry but i was snared, snared by the need to be someone i hate, to write ugly opinions in cynical anonymous words, never answerable to anyone i know. i chafe at myself. i need to be so many people, and this one i am now i just don't want to know.